I feel like I’m back to where I started four years ago. And anyone that knows me , knows exactly what I am talking about.
At the moment I am suffering from post traumatic stress and its really really hard to get through each day. But its times like these that I learn once again who the people are who love me and continue to stand by me, as well as meeting new people-some of the most wonderful people, who help me find that little ray of sunshine in my life again.
I write these blogs not just for the sake of it and I don’t write them just for other mums to read or for other Catholics even. I write them because I am not the only person in the world who has or does go through all these life challenging situations. I’m not the only person with health problems or the only mother with an Autistic child or a child with Dyspraxia. I’m not the only person to have ever suffered from a break down or an eye disease. And I’m not the only mother with six wonderful children plus three in heaven. No, I’m not at all.
And It’s times like these that we as people need to be reminded that we are not alone. Because there is at least one person out there who will understand the pain and the frustration you are going through as well as the uncertainty and the fear.
These past few weeks I have felt quiet alone and isolated, unsure who to reach out to, unsure who I can trust.
I am lucky enough to have one person here who has been here for me literally holding my hand when fear took over from logic and reason. Though stamping on someones foot might not be every ones answer to snapping out of it, but at least it grounded me enough so I could stamp back on her foot!
I know a lot of people don’t like to talk about mental health , but you know what- I don’t care, because we are all human and we will all suffer from it at least once in our own life time. Hiding it or pretending it doesn’t exists only brings shame-a stigma to it all. But being open about it by talking about it brings awareness and support for all of us.
I know I have big battle in front of me and I’m hoping I can fight it but in all honesty some days I would rather stay curled up in bed!
Part of the battle is looking within myself and being honest. Standing up to face my fears that haunt me in my dreams as well as when I’m awake. My emotions are quiet large at the moment from one extreme to the next and its had at times to get a grip on things especially with my anxiety and panic attacks.
I feel a lot of guilt, I feel like I have let down my children and everyone around me when in fact I have PTSD because a person can only truly take so much before they snap or fall apart.
Oh well at least it’s given me a new hobby! Knitting!
I look forward to Liz having her first ballet exam next month and Thomas has started guitar lessons so I’m excited about that! Plus our baby is no more a baby Lucas turned one on the 5th and is now walking! I miss Sam’s kisses and Joe’s big hugs and I miss Jackson and how he is protective with his siblings and me…
I just have to keep doing my best, just look ahead and not behind.
I’m sure I will get there eventually…with God’s help.