Walking past wall after wall of blank canvas’s, every thing is stark white, blinding to the human eye.it makes me want to curl up and hide from this white noise. My body aches my joints are stiff and they send unbearable pain through out my limbs. My hip ache with most movements these days or from even just sitting in a chair. lately I have cold sweat dripping of me yet my body heats ups and than becomes ice cold within seconds.There is nothing positive with experiencing pain every day and fatigue that feels unbearable. Its hard to ignore like those white canvas’s that insist on continuing to glare at me. Curled into a ball I try to hide from myself, I try to still my pain by not moving, even to breath because even that causes pain in my chest,sharp pains that go right through me like an arrow.
But even though I’m in this ball I still lose out. I look up and the canvas’s around me have dark reds and blacks dripping on them,till the whole canvas is coloured in an unrecognisable mess.I stare at it for a moment. The colours match my thoughts. Yes I am depressed and yes I am struggling with anxiety.My mind is full of noise. Noise that is coming from all different directions. Noise that I can hardly comprehend. But nether the less its there.
My mind is exhausted. I am on a emotional roller coaster . Sometimes I am numb and I don’t know how I feel, other times I cry to myself.
Other times I just sit in silence and stare of into a day dream.
My life is hard and its taken me years to actually say it because saying it, I thought, meant I was weak. Well maybe I am weak. But if I am so be it. But I have the right to say how hard things are. To see how it sounds to my ears, to taste the words on my tongue. To just sit with it in silence and let it play on my mind.
Dealing with my own health problems plus with children who have their own health problems would be a challenged to any one, and anyone who would like to disagree i challenged you to do it better!
But than I have been reading a book.
A book where someone had their freedom taken away from them and the luxury of having their basic needs met. She slept on dirty,blood and human waste stained concrete sometimes with out even a thin mattress. She had to bath her self with a bucket of dirty water. And the toilet was revolting with shit all over it. She was lucky to see an hour of sunlight every day. She witness suicides and others around her being beaten to death.She had to watch her back all the time and what little things she did had she had to watch them constantly as thief was a big problem.
The stress of this situation took a toll on her body a well as the filthy envioment. She was constantly throwing up and having the runs. She had rashes all over her and constant painful ear infections as well as the eyes.
Her life was now in the hands of a strange and foreign government, who had a heart of stone. Who was ruthless and cold and would go to any lengths as low as lying and deceit to have the death penalty given out.
Yes I am talking about Schapelle Corby.
Im not here to debate if she is innocent or not. I am purely using her as an example of someone who has nothing, who has lost everything including her life. Someone who is living with out the most basic human rights.
I read her book and think to myself,would I be able to cope in those conditions?
Iv stayed in some hospitals that are appalling but nothing close to this! At least I had a bed and warm clean water to wash my self in.
I think to myself what I am struggling through is nothing compared to Schapelle.If she can struggle to get through her hell hole than surely I can struggle and fight to get through my own days. I cant help thinking my life seems all peachy compared to hers. I remembered how I use to always tell myself that there is always someone worse off than myself. I just have to remember while there is others who are worse off I still need to take care of myself. I need to believe that I’m important too.
So even though today has been a long and tiring one with aches and pains I’m sure one day I will look up and those canvas’s will be brightly coloured with yellows, blues.pinks and greens.