Black and White

I love talking to my children. I love listening to them have conversation between each other. They are so truful so matter of fact.

Its amazing, I think , how we can know someone for so long but not really know them at all.
We know the side they present themselves to be.We learn to get to know that side of them and even trust them, until another side shows and it smacks us in the face.

Most people know I have been mentally unwell. But not everyone knows I have Borderline personality Disorder. Only those close to me know this.
This diagnose is extremely hard to live with. I second guess everything. My motives, their motives, my actions, their actions. Am I being too honest or are they even being honest to me?
When I love someone its all or nothing. I can’t have it any other way.This way makes it easier for me to understand my relationships. There is no buts or ifs it is just what it is.

In saying that I am protective of the ones I care about, I would never want to hurt anyone which I think at the same times makes me a door mate for people to treat me how they feel like it, with my apologising, even when I am not in the wrong.But the side of me that has to make things right, jump in and the fear of being rejected kicks in even stronger.
My stomach will flutter and I will be in tears ,not understanding what is happening.

When a Friend told me i bring her down and she’s not here for me anymore, I immediately apologised ….ten minuets later I sat back and questioned what am I sorry about?

When I had someone tell me that everyone should keep their problems to them self’s, I felt like I had to make it right. But now I think, why should I? I dont believe this and I didn’t dump a friend because she has too many problems. Or I don’t ignore someone because they are mentally unwell.

I need to believe in my self more and not doubt myself so much. I need to learn to let those who want to act or treat people a certain way that, that is their lost.

And I’m lucky to have a bunch of people who care for me knowing everything about me…I’m lucky they understand me and why I act a certain way.
I just hope they, one day don’t decide I’m too much for them.

As for my friend, I don’t know whats happening or going on but what ever it is I will always hope she is okay-no matter what happens.

I know I’m okay. I try to be anyway.

But that’s my life all black and white.

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