Something that never occurred to me when I lost these babies, is that I was accompanying these babies to heaven.
And though it has taken many tears to realise this I feel incredibly blessed to have been chosen for this task.
Infact I feel more than that, I feel honoured because I never thought in a million years that I could do something so worthy and important in the name of God.
I never thought I was honestly worthy enough. I was chosen for what ever reason to mother these children for a short time, pray for them and place them in the protective hands of our Lord. For reasons that, at the moment, are beyond my comprehension God wanted these babies to have earthly parents as well as their heavenly Mother and Father.
Maybe all along God’s plan was for us to have four little saints in heaven, who would pray for our salvation, understanding our struggles and sufferings. But also comprehending how much unconditional love we have for our children, knowing the true sufferings I go through to bring them life, leaving it completely up to God, so that His will may be done.
Yes I suffer enormously when I am pregnant. Most of my pregnancy I am on the couch or floor, in bed or in hospital.
There were countless of times I would be pathetically lying on the floor with a bucket and vomit on me and because my muscles would contract so hard while vomiting I would lose control of my bladder. I would be semi unconscious, unable to move.
After a while I began fainting constantly from lack of food and fluids. Towards the end of the pregnancy I started throwing up blood from vomiting so much.
I could barely stand up or walk.
When I threw up it was buckets at a time, I would easily throw up litres of bucket containers in one day or a few hours even.
On top of this I had out of control gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and pre eclampsia.
I was also experiencing a terrible crawling and painful sensation under and over my skin that would last for hours.
Plus I had my usual chronic health problems on top of that.
Yet I look back and I cannot help but know if God asked me to do it all over again I would. Being a catholic is about putting God first and others before yourself. It’s about having faith that no matter what happens God has you in the palm of His hand.
I look at my children and my heart bursts for them, yes I would be scared (who wouldn’t?) but I honestly love them so much that I know I would go through it all again for them.
I have enough faith and trust in my husband to know we can get though it and anything else that is thrown our way.
Most of all I have complete trust that God will never abandon me.
For God to have chosen me for these little babies, now in Heaven, is something so remarkable I am struggling to find the words to describe how I feel.
I feel blessed and more at peace to know there was a purpose that their lives were not wasted. Even though they lived only for a very short time they have forever impacted my life and the lives of my husband and children, for the better, for our salvation.