As the date approaches for the one year anniversary, since I lost our baby through miscarriage, I can feel a pain in my heart and a tightness in my chest.I never expected to be where I am,12 months later.It’s been a dreadfully hard 12 months. So much has changed as well and life keeps moving fast that I struggle to keep up.What I did not expect though, that 12 months later, I would be holding my one month old in my arms and wondering how this all fits together.If I hadn’t lost my baby, I wouldn’t have my new born. But to have my newborn I had lost my baby.
The sorrow is still deep and most often pushed aside so I don’t have to face it.I find the comfort I need through prayer.But I also need someone to say to me “I get it.” Or “I am sorry you are still grieving over the lost of Lola”.I need my baby to be acknowledged by those around me or society in general.Yet in many ways she is not.No one else seems to remember this time last year. Or have assumed all is well, now that I hold my little boy in my arms.
But there are times I look at my son and I wonder about the babies that are not with me. The pain than is sharp and sometimes it is hard to bare.I have never felt such painstaking grief. I have never felt grief to run as deep as it has.
And yet I am.
If I don’t forcefully push it aside, I won’t be able to stop the tears.I feel like my heart carries this heaviness, but at the same time has an emptiness since the lost of our baby.The trauma of the miscarriage itself is still clear. The fear runs deep. Certain days in my cycles after the miscarriage, causes anxiety, because it would trigger memories and I was frightened it could be happening all over again ( although logically it doesn’t make sense, if I wasn’t pregnant, but logic and fear don’t necessarily go hand in hand ).
Holding my son, as he sleeps on my chest, gives me comfort and a feeling of peace. I wonder if he is aware of his siblings in Heaven. If he has knowledge that we are not aware of.I am blessed to also know that our Mother Mary, knows exactly what I am experiencing and what I am feeling. She understands my struggles and my pain better than anyone.