“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” 
― Bil Keane

I haven’t been well lately. Going off my medications for my Bipolar has really hit me quiet hard and It took me a while to finally admit that I just couldn’t do it with out medication. No matter how much I tried and how strong I tried to be.

And one of the things that tip me off about myself are my dreams. The sicker I become the worse my dreams become until they are full blown night terrors.

I’v been feeling quiet helpless and hopeless. Feeling detached from my surroundings at time. Sometimes feeling like I’m on the out side looking in, through a window , watching my own life.

So not only has the Bipolar been playing up, my CFS has been as well, causing me to faint or collapse quiet a bit lately.

BUT- yesterday I received a call from my specialist in Sydney. My test results are in! And he wants to see me asap. He thinks he knows why I am feeling so crap.

So I am quiet eager to get up there and find out what is going on. I have a mixture of excitement and dread running through my veins at the moment.

Most of all I hope,hope for the results,good or bad.

Because either way it will be an answer or part of an answer, to a question that has been going around in circles for years. “What is wrong with me?!”

I always try to have hope, even if it is a small flicker but it’s still there. I just sometimes have to dig deeper.

My hope comes from my faith in God. Because I know , no matter how bad something may be at the time, there is a reason for what is happening, a reason which usually brings out some good in the end. I just have to wait and be patient.

But if I didn’t have my faith in God, than what would I have? What meaning to my struggles would there be? What meaning to my life would there be? None.
There would be no point.

See I figured out a long time ago that the meaning to life is God. Because God is love and love is God and with out these things life is impossible. Life  would be a one way spiral down to hell. The opposite to God and Love.
And since God is also the author of life, it makes sense that He would be the meaning to life. Because our whole purpose of existents on this planet-our temporary exists is to find God and to build our relationship up with Him so we can have that eternal life, not here on earth but up there in Heaven with Him.

So knowing this and believing this no matter how bad things appear, it’s really never that bad because here is for five minutes compared to eternity. Living for God and suffering for God is worth it if it means we get to Heaven that much quicker. Where there is no suffering. Just peace beyond our imaginations.

So I really need to hold on to this hope and pray it gets me through the next few days.

Hope is an amazing thing.
I truly believe with hope there are dreams and with dreams anything is possible!


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