Post Natal Depression and Me

If life wasn’t enough of a challenge and if my days weren’t already full of struggles, it is now. It is so hard to come right out and say it because to do so almost feels like admitting defeat. Admitting failure as a mum. a wife and everything else in between.

I have Post Natal Depression and Anxiety.

There. I said it.

Now what?

Nothing much I suppose.

Maybe to you, the reader, this is reaching into your thoughts, that echo the same silence of these unspoken words. Maybe you have whispered to your self “Me too”. Maybe by the end of this, you will be in tears of relief because there is someone else in this world who understands what you are going through.

Yes, I have decided to break that uncomfortable silence and speak up.

It could get ugly.

It is ugly because since when do we as humans do anything uncomplicated?

I have been struggling since the birth of my youngest, almost 8 months ago. I have had some horrible periods of depression and anxiety. The anxiety attacks would last for long periods and come one after the other. I felt like I was suffocating and the walls were closing in on me. I felt trapped and I struggled to breathe.

My depression has been scary. I have had some very dark moments. I have felt so alone and yet scared to be around too many people. I have felt sadness and I have also felt rage.

My medication has slowly helped with my anxiety attacks but not so much with my depression. Mostly what I feel now is pure exhaustion. I am so utterly tired that I honestly could just continue to sleep.

I am also struggling to form the bond that I want, with my baby. I feel terrible guilt because I am sure I have failed him and his siblings on so many levels.

Having postnatal depression and anxiety feels like there is a black cloud hovering over my head wherever I go. At times its also feels like I have fallen down the rabbit hole.

Sometimes the loneliness is deafening. I’m hesitant to tell anyone or reach out. But while I have been typing this I have realized there is one other person who would say “Me too”. Our Lord, Jesus. He will walk with us through our struggles and share the experience with us. He has experienced what we have. He died for us.

Deuteronomy 31:8

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I need to hold on to this and remind myself of this. We all do.

We need to remember what Jesus gave up for us. What He endured so that our suffering will not last.

While PND feel’s like a never-ending battle there is light at the end of the tunnel. We just need to hang on that little bit longer.

Psalm 34:17

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

  9 comments for “Post Natal Depression and Me

  1. June 5, 2018 at 11:07 am

    Yes, it does end, it does get better. I suffered from PND in the days that there was barely a nod to it happening. One was suppose to be happy and full of energy and oh, if you aren’t – take a nap when the baby does. There were days that I barely could move and it was scary and hard and no one not even my husband knew that there was anything wrong as I felt unable to say a word about it. Slowly, slowly it got better and the days were less forced – sometimes the only way I got anything done was to pretend to myself that a long absent friend was going to show up at my door in an hour, it worked to get moving but then the day that I didn’t need to use that trick happened and another and another. I know what you are feeling and I just wanted to give you my love and prayers.

  2. June 5, 2018 at 5:14 pm

    So sorry you’re experiencing such horrible anxiety and depression! Thank you for sharing so other people don’t feel alone. I will pray that the right resources and time bring you to feeling more like yourself!

  3. Fouad
    June 5, 2018 at 11:18 pm

    I pray for God’s peace for you.

  4. June 11, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    Thank you for your honesty. Just know, you are worth the investment into healing from PND. Your 8 month old and his siblings deserve a mom who is healthy.

    Like a mom suffering from postnatal blood pressure issues (like I do), and turn to medication for help in that, PND is not only real, but also is helped between medication and talk-therapy. We mamas have to do what we can to be healthy *for* our children!! It not only demonstrates for them that we are healthy, but teaches them to focus on their health as well.

    Prayers for you – that you will receive the help you need in order to work toward healing!

  5. Nelly Sosa
    June 11, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    I will be praying for you Ally! I had this with my first baby and praying the Rosary daily made me stronger!

  6. June 12, 2018 at 1:06 am

    Praying for you ❤ So happy you’re getting the help you need!

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